0.
        As the title implies, I am teaching, and have been for some time.  I have been teaching an English class at a university once a week, at 8:30 in the morning, every Monday.  As the title also implies, my students don't really want to be there.  By "there," I mean pretty much anywhere on the planet, but particularly a classroom, at 8:30 in the morning, every Monday, listening to me.  Here are a few notes, possibly informative, based upon my experiences:

1.
        Students are as scared of you as you are of them.  Of course, this means that the less frightened you become, the more overtly antagonistic or apathetic they will become.

2.
        "And" is not a complete sentence.

3.
        At the beginning of the class, never look at your students, sag, rub your face, and sigh: "Fuuuuck...."  This does little for morale, but on the upside will also produce some astonished looks, and maybe even a few nervous chuckles.

4.
        For some strange reason they can all memorize complex mathematical equations, or highly detailed methods for compiling economic statistics, but have trouble with relatively simple ideas like:
        "Capital letters must be used at the beginnings of sentences."
        "Essays must be written in the present tense."
        And, of course:
        "'And' is not a complete sentence."

5.
        More girls take English than boys.  I have no idea why this is.  Not that I'm complaining.

6.
        If they find listening to me to be tedious and futile, they should try talking to them.

7.
        There will always be one student who whines about everything, no matter what.

5a.
        Girls also read more than boys.  Again, I have no idea why this is.

8.
        There will be students who skip class perpetually, and then get mad at you when you give them bad marks.

8a.
        These students will also get even angrier at you if you tell them they would get better marks if they came to class.

9.
        The majority of students do not understand the concept of irony.
        This is both baffling, and ironic, because I always thought that we were living in the age of irony.
        Even though irony is dead.

9a.
        I am well aware of the fact that the phrase "even though irony is dead" is not a legitimate, complete sentence unto itself.
        Or, for that matter, a paragraph.

9b.
        The same can be said for "or, for that matter, a paragraph."

9c.
        But, frankly.
        I don't care.
        This can.
        Oddly.
        Apply to a lot.

10.
        Students are very malleable, they love to echo what they believe you believe.
        If one day you tell them that God is great and good, they will all write papers telling you they believe God is great and good.  However, if you change your story and tell them God is a hypocrite and that Satan is really where it's at-- presto change-o they all become Satanists.
        They'll all get jobs when they leave University.  They've already made the first big step.
        They'll all be good citizens.
        Black is white, white is black.
        And then they'll all start bombing Iraq, or not bombing Iraq, as the case may be.

11.
        On the whole, the ESL (English as a Second Language) students all have a better grasp of the English language than people who were born, raised, and spent all their lives in this country.

12.
        Because everybody knows that my master's thesis involves virtual reality and anime, they all think I'm a dateless wonder who goes home all alone and spends bitter evenings slouched in front of my computer screen, desperately jerking off to Pokémon and Hello Kitty.
        Mind you, this goes for the entire English Department, not just my class.
        And, looking around me right now, I'm thinking they just might be right.

13.
        When I make a reference to popular culture in the classroom, they all look at me as if I'm some old man who's just referenced something that was hip 10 years before they were all born.  And then I feel old and annoyed.
        But then I realize that the reference I've just made is to Coldplay, or Renée Zellweger's newest movie-- and that they don't get it.
        And then this confuses me even more because I should be an old man who's just referenced something that was hip 10 years before they were all born.  But I'm referencing something that is current, contemporary, now, with and within the time in which I am writing this-- and they don't know what the hell I'm talking about.
        What do they do with their time?  How can I possibly know more about current movies or music than they do?
        This kind of scares me.

10a.
        I guess this just goes to show George Orwell is a live and well.

14.
        When you have to teach a class at 8:30 in the morning, expect to get only about 4 hours of sleep the night before.
        The feeling of terror that keeps me awake all night must go away eventually.
        It has to.

15.
        I am in charge.  They are not in charge.
        And if I am quiet for long enough, they will begin to feel uncomfortable and speak.

16.
        It you yell at them too much they will stop coming to class.
        But, if you treat them like buddies too much they will also stop coming to class.
        I guess the solution is to be unpredictable, keep them in a constant state of suspense:
        Will he be nice today, or a psychopath?
        Too bad I'm always too tired to put this theory into action.

17.
        Never allude to the fact that their marks are late because you've been playing Spyro all weekend.

18.
        They smell fear.
        But they do not smell irony.
        See point 9.

19.
        They don't seem to believe anything is really "cutting edge" any more.  They all believe that the "cutting edge" is pointless sensationalism.
        However, my supervisor, however, still believes that there is a "cutting edge."
        But, then again, they think that Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson and Eminem are on the edge.
        But, then again, my supervisor is an expert in early 20th century American fiction.  And Hypertext.
        Make of that what you will.

20.
        They still believe that getting tattooed and pierced is a form of rebellion.
        They still believe that getting tattooed and pierced is cool and dangerous.
        They still believe that getting tattooed and pierced is new, fresh, exciting.
        They still believe that getting tattooed and pierced is a sign of individuality.

7a.
        There will always be one student who enjoys everything, no matter what.

21.
        If you behave like a lunatic mad scientist and scribble thermodynamic equations on the blackboard while babbling about entropy, they will be riveted and stare at you with huge eyes.

22.
        After all, when I get right down to it, I do have a captive audience....

Next:  Catching up....