SCENE:  Some ruins.  Iraq, I guess....

BOB:  It's interesting watching the "coverage" of the "war" (tm) (©) (®).
BRIAN:  It really is, yeah.
BOB:  Watching the whole media machine at work.
BRIAN:  Yeah.  It's like all the reporters, they're all reading cue-cards.
BOB:  Like they've rehearsed their lines in advance.
BRIAN:  Like they know:  "This is what I say when I see this kind of explosion, but this is what I tell the people when I see this other kind of explosion."
BOB:  It's all very fake.
BRIAN:  But, actually, maybe it's not fake enough.
BOB:  What do you mean?
BRIAN:  Kids.  They're bored by it.
BOB:  Bored?
BRIAN:  Yeah.  Isn't that great?  They're actually bored.
BOB:  Why?
BRIAN:  It's not enough like a videogame.  It's not enough like an action movie.
BOB:  (Laughs).
BRIAN:  Exactly.  They don't care.  They don't care because what they see on tv when they rent movies is flashier, and better.  The Iraq war has crappy special effects.
BOB:  Where did you hear this?
BRIAN:  There was a thing on the radio.  And then, later I went to the mall--
BOB:  All the best truth is in the mall.
BRIAN:  Well, it is.  And when I went to the mall there were actually some highschool kids complaining that the damn war was on tv all the time and it was wrecking their favorite shows, and they didn't get why anyone cared because frankly movies and videogames were-- get this-- they actually said this-- MORE REAL!

Long pause while BOB and BRIAN howl with laughter.

BRIAN:  This really makes my day.
BOB:  Mine too, oddly enough.
BRIAN:  That a war, an actual bona fide war is perceived than being less real than, like Grand Theft Auto 3.  It's amazing.  It's perfect.
BOB:  It's Baudrillard.  100% Jean Baudrillard.
BRIAN:  I wonder what they'd say at the front?

Pause.

BRIAN:  But, changing the topic, there is one thing that's really wrong with the Left.
BOB:  Only one?
BRIAN:  Well, one big one, anyway.
BOB:  What's that?
BRIAN:  A lot of them are supporting Saddam Hussein because he's not George Bush.
BOB:  What do you mean?
BRIAN:  I hear people saying they'd rather live in Iraq than in the 'States.  And that is utterly absurd.
BOB:  It's kind of like when people were saying that the Taliban isn't all that bad.
BRIAN:  Exactly.  Because of the way the Bush Administration is walking all over people, it's making ugly dictatorships look good.  They made the Taliban look good.  A political group that oppressed women, and cut the hands off criminals.  Now they're making Saddam Hussein look good.  They have forgotten that Hussein is a murderous tyrant who gassed thousands of Kurds in the late 1980s as a part of an ethnic cleansing program.  The left has forgotten that Hussein regularly has his opposition executed.  Saddam Hussein is a very, very bad man who should not be in power, ever.
BOB:  However....
BRIAN:  However, the ignorant, redneck way the USA is "liberating" Iraq is just going to cause lots of problems.  Primarily for the USA.
BOB:  Yeah.  Whoever gets to be the next President of the 'States is going to be in for one hell of a lot of damage control.
BRIAN:  And there will be more terrorism on American soil, now.

Pause.

BRIAN:  So, people, if you think that just because I'm critical of the Americans I support Saddam Hussein, you are wrong.  I'm not some idiotic hemp-wearing Left Wing career-protester who goes against the USA because it's in vogue, impress the naive, and will get me laid.  I also hate Saddam Hussein-- and this is because he's a murderous tyrant.  It's just that Bush is an uneducated fool, and that what the US is doing makes Hussein look good in comparison.  And so I do hope the USA wins this war, and gets rid of Hussein-- but only after the USA really makes a really huge fool of itself in an international arena, and knocks itself down a few pegs.

Pause.

BOB:  So, basically, you hate both the Left and the Right.
BRIAN:  Exactly.  They're both ignorant and nauseating.  And, y'know, before you shake your head and roll your eyes, you need to recognize that it's not an either / or choice.  There are plenty of options divorced from this artificial, simple-minded Left / Right dichotomy.

Long pause.  The ruins behind BOB and BRIAN smolder.

BOB: You've heard about Chemical Ali, right
BRIAN:  Yeah.  The Iraqi chemical weapons expert, right?
BOB:  Yeah.  He sounds like a character from a Burroughs novel.
BRIAN (Gravely, nasal, slow):
        "Chemical Ali oooozed into the frame and surveyed the situation.  The advancing troops, coming out of the horizon all cold and American and this sent a thrilling electric jolt down his spine and deep into his groin.
        "Ali, ever the scientist, was thinking of all the Kurds that Saddam Hussein had ordered gassed at the end of the 1980s.
        "'Call in the ooooold doctor,' thought Ali. 'Call him in once, he quiets them.  Call him in twice, he quiets yooooou.'
        "In other words, evil flowers once.  And then you have to pay.  First you're the pusher, and before you know it, you are the mark.
        "Ali looked at the ruins behind him, and then at his ruination spread out before him--
        "His ruination spread out before him like the stinking legs of a cheap bowery whore," as an old bazaar hoofer Ali knew in his genocidal heyday was so fond of saying.
        "'Time for the gas,' he thought, 'and then time for the retribution.'
        "But it was unclear as to whether the retribution to which Chemical Ali referred was to be heaped upon him, or the great wave of advancing American dogs.
        "Truly, which ever way the wind blew, it was Allah's will.
        "Shuffle cut-- Ali on the nod-- fire pulling down the sky-- old glory in the distance.
        "By the dawn's early light-- George W. Bush at the helm, vacuous, fading-- light dim-- evil fighting evil with evil-- blue flame shuddering down spine-- our flag was still there...."

Long pause.

BOB:  Shock and awe.
BRIAN:  Shock and awe.
BOB:  It's like we're living in the middle of a bleak satire.
BRIAN:  The American war machine is single-minded and focussed.  I'll give them that.
BOB:  For a while yet.  Anyway.  Until they get sick of Iraq and move on.
BRIAN:  All that's really left is paranoia and getting drunk.
BOB:  Amen to that.

Next:  The anatomy of being able to dish it out, but not of being able to take it....