SCENE:  The "war" "coverage" continues.

BRIAN:  Another day, another terrorist alert.
BOB: What is it, now?  Yellow, red, pink, puke green?
BRIAN:  I think it's the next to highest colour.  I think, isn't that orange?
BOB:  Yeah, it goes green, blue, yellow, orange, red.  Red being "a severe risk of terrorist attacks" and green being "a low risk."  Notice there isn't any colour for "no risk."
BRIAN:  So there's always a risk, now.
BOB:  There always was a risk, terrorist attacks are just potentiality.  Now and then that potentiality gets actualized.  And then boom.
BRIAN:  "It's a new world."  "It's a different world."  "Nothing will ever be the same again."  "We are no longer innocent."  Blah blah blah for the billionth time.
BOB:  At least when I see the terrorist attack crap on tv I know it's in the 'States and has no impact on me here.
BRIAN:  Doesn't it?  It's becoming increasingly difficult to go to the 'States without getting an anal probe, or otherwise detained at the boarder while customs searches you for bombs and anthrax.  Also, there's talk of there being a second US customs.  So you get searched once, then you have to go to another checkpoint and get searched again.  And let's not forget that whenever you see a "terrorist alert" on tv you do get some of that residual paranoia.  Not everyone is immune to US propaganda in Canada.  So people see those alerts and on some level think that we're under threat, too.  Because if the USA is raising their alert status, something "real" must be coming 'round the corner.
BOB:  Which is, of course, nonsense.  Just because a terrorist alert goes up doesn't mean there's a threat.  All that means is the US government for some reason wants its citizens to believe there's a threat.  It keeps them in line, focused on an enemy.  Even if the enemy is a vague construct like "terrorism" or "evil."
BRIAN:  People buy it because it's on tv.  Or they do the opposite, they don't believe it because it's on tv.  And not believing something because it's on tv is just the same as believing something if it is on tv.  Therefore, if a terrorist alert is raised or lowered, the group of people who uncritically believe in the alert will fall into line one way, and the group of people who uncritically refuse to believe the alert will fall into line in the opposite direction.  And that makes the actions of both groups very easy to predict and manipulate.  It's all very complex.  But manageable.
BOB:  Another day, another terrorist alert....

Pause.

BOB:  People were pulling down a statue of Saddam Hussein the other day.
BRIAN:  I have to admit, those statues and paintings of Hussein that litter Baghdad-- that is seriously megalomaniacal.  I mean, that's a symptom of something.  I mean, they're so overblown they're laughable.  They're actually really primitive.  Like something some old crazy king from 200 BC would have commissioned.  Except, of course even dumber.
BOB:    So it looks like the Americans won.
BRIAN:  More or less, yeah.  There are still pockets of resistance here and there, but the USA did win.  Like we said.  They will win, it's just a matter of time.
BOB:  And it took less time than I thought, too.
BRIAN:  Yeah, me, too.  I honestly thought the troops were gonna be digging in for a long harsh summer of grueling Vietnam-style warfare.  So, I guess it's good they got it done quickly.
BOB:  Yeah.
BRIAn:  This way they don't waste everybody's time, at least.
BOB:  But there's still other stuff to do.  All sorts of clean-up and such.
BRIAN:  Well, yeah.  And then there's also the little problem that the pulling down of that Hussein statue signifies.
BOB (knowing full well what's coming):  Why, whatever do you mean?
BRIAN:  The people who pulled down that statue were cheering.
BOB:  Sure, they were happy because Hussein was defeated.  I mean, there really aren't a lot of people in Iraq who like the guy.
BRIAN:  Oh yeah, most definitely.  How... ever....
BOB (smiling a cynical smile):  And this is a big "however."
BRIAN:  The people who pulled down the Saddam Hussein statue were cheering because they believe that now they can have a fundamentalist Muslim government.
BOB:  Oops.
BRIAN:  Yeah.  Oops.  Which is exactly what the USA doesn't want.  The thing with Hussein is-- even though he's an enemy of the USA, his government was still secular.  It wasn't not a Muslim theocracy.  And, even though Hussein was a dictator, his government was still never as dictatorial as, say, the Taliban was.
BOB:  The American media doesn't show you that the people who pulled down the statue were cheering because now they believe they can be even less democratic and more totalitarian and anti-American than Hussein's government.
BRIAN:  Exactly.  And there's no way the USA wants that to happen.  They need a government that's friendly to them-- not a government that hates the USA even more than Hussein did.
BOB:  This is one of the reasons why I like the Canadian media.  It's still biased, but you do get a little more information.
BRIAN:  Those people who were cheering probably won't be cheering when they see the government the USA sets up in lieu of Saddam Hussein.

Pause.

BOB:  And there's looting, too.  Lots of looting.
BRIAN:  That's what happens when your city blows up.  People loot.  I'd do it, too.  I saw a guy taking armloads of money from an Iraqi bank.  He looked happy.
BOB:  Of course, that money all has Saddam Hussein's face on it.  So it'll all be worthless.
BRIAN:  Oops.
BOB:  And let's not forget that there's a curfew being imposed on Baghdad.
BRIAN:  But there's no chaos.  President Bush said so.  There's no chaos in Iraq.
BOB:  Even though there's looting.
BRIAN:  And pockets of resistance.
BOB:  And, of course, general indications of widespread chaos.
BRIAN:  But, it'll take time to restore chaos and order.  Bush even said so a couple of days ago, on the 13th.
BOB:  And if anyone would know about chaos and order, it would be GWB.
BRIAN:  But, still, the American media machine's saying there's no chaos.  Everything's orderly and under control.  In clear contrariness to observable fact.
BOB:  Shades of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
BRIAN:  Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is everywhere.
BOB:  Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is everything.
BRIAN:  Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is everybody.
BOB:  Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is still the king.
BRIAN:  I guess the lesson here is that everybody has a little Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf in them.
BOB:  Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf is in Brian Cotts.  But he's tryin' ta get out, baby!  He's tryin' ta get out!!!

Pause.

BRIAN:  Why'd you just say that?  What does that even mean?
BOB:  I have no idea, really.  I just needed a name and yours was the first that popped into my head.
BRIAN:  Oh.

Long pause as the ruins behind them smolder.

BRIAN:  Uh, anyway, and on the SARS front....
BOB:  Yes?
BRIAN:  I guess we're having a "war on SARS," now.
BOB:  How quaint.
BRIAN:  First, of course was the "War On Drugs," and then the "War On Terrorism," then, I guess, a general "War On Evil."
BOB:  Actually, wasn't that before the "War On Terrorism?"  Didn't the "War On Evil" become the "War On Terrorism?"
BRIAN:  Actually, I can't even remember any more.  There're so many "Wars" now its kind of hard keeping them all straight.
BOB:  And, I guess, really, it doesn't really matter.  Really.
BRIAN:  Oh yeah, and then, of course there was the "War On Weapons Of Mass Destruction," or something.  And now there's a "War On SARS."
BOB:  Well, the "War On Saddam" is winding down, there has to be a new "War" on something to keep the public's attention and sell beer.
BRIAN:  Don't forget the Shock and Awe.
BOB:  Oh, I think that dead horse's already been fully merchandised.
BRIAN:  But, back to SARS.
BOB:  Okay.
BRIAN:  A few days ago a friend of mine, he and his girlfriend went out to eat.
BOB:  Okay.
BRIAN:  This is to illustrate how bad the whole SARS paranoia is getting.
BOB:  Okay.
BRIAN:  He and his girlfriend went out to eat, and then she became very sick.
BOB:  Uh-huh.
BRIAN:  So they went to the hospital.  He took her to the hospital.  She was running a fever and so on.
BOB:  Right.
BRIAN:  Well, the doctors panicked and started testing her for SARS.  War on SARS, y'know.
BOB:  Right.
BRIAN:  But then they sent her home, with him, to wait for a few days until the tests came back.
BOB:  So....
BRIAN:  So, he ended up quarantined with her in his apartment for the weekend.  But he hadn't had time to get any food.  So he was stuck inside, for the entire weekend, without any groceries.  I think he had beer, though.
BOB:  And he couldn't leave because he'd been quarantined.
BRIAN:  Right.  So he was stuck there while she kept puking her guts up.  And all he could do was order take-out.  And in the case of the take-out, he had to make sure he was alone in the hall when he left his apartment, then he had to sneak into the landing, and leave the money and hope no one would steal it.  And then when the guy came with the food, he had to collect the cash, and then leave the food, and then buzz the apartment.  Then my fried had to make sure he was alone in the hall, again, and sneak downstairs to pick up the food.
BOB:  (Laughs.)
BRIAN:  And it turns out she just had a mild case of food poisoning that she shook off before the tests even came back.

Pause.

BRIAN:  A long time ago, back when I worked at that book/music store, the guy who was one of the managers (actually, we were all "managers," we'll just call this guy Main-Music-And-Poster-Ordering-Manager) ordered a whole bunch of posters.  And so, Main-Music-And-Poster-Ordering-Manager thought he was just ordering fifty movie posters, but instead he got boxes and boxes and boxes-- like tons of boxes.  There were so many boxes you couldn't even really navigate in the first half of the store.  He thought he was getting fifty posters and he got fifty boxes of posters.
BOB:  Oh.  Okay.
BRIAN:  And the posters were all really old and cheezy.  Like, Whitesnake posters, and Corey Feldman posters-- things almost no one in their right mind would want.  This was in, like, 1996.  The stock was from a was a poster company that had gone out of business and they were looking to get rid of all their stock ultra cheap, so they just did a stock dump and ran.
BOB:  Uh-huh.
BRIAN:  And, in the mass of boxes were about ten boxes of these horrible blue posters.  They had bright yellow lettering on bright blue paper, and a bright yellow ribbon, and they all said

Pause.

BRIAN:  So the store sat on the posters for a long time.  But then, Bill Clinton was about to be impeached and the USA launched an attack on Saddam Hussein.  I said put the posters out for sale.  And Main-Music-And-Poster-Ordering-Manager caved in, and he put them out.  And they sold.
BOB:  Hmm.
BRIAN:  And when the US suddenly stopped attacking Saddam Hussein on the very day Clinton's impeachment fell apart, the posters stopped selling.  So they went back into storage again.
BOB:  But, let me guess, they're out now.
BRIAN:  Yeah.  I saw one hanging on the wall last time I visited the store.  Therefore, that means they're probably selling again.  Irony will never die.  Neither will blind American patriotism (even in Canada).  And the beauty is these little blue posters capitalize on both.  They're perfect.  And they were free, too.  Main-Music-And-Poster-Ordering-Manager only had to pay for the posters he'd ordered.  The rest of the stock dump was a freebie.
BOB:  So, do you think the posters will go back in storage now that the USA kicked Saddam's ass?
BRIAN:  Hell no.  There's still money to be made.  There's the peacekeeping initiative and the drive to "rebuild Iraq."  And, of course, now it's starting to look like USA wants to move on into Syria....

Next:  Calling Michael Moore....