To be is to be cornered.
                         -- E.M. Cioran

Back to Calgary back to where it wall was last year the nexus of everything the G8 back there back to visit Alex and maybe chill my heels heal my soul just run away from it all and rest and recover and recuperate from what I have no idea but somehow I know that there does have to be healing that something is broken and it needs to be fixed so it's early in the morning and I'm on the road again.

On the road driving driving and it's flat and it's boring and it didn't use to be flat and boring but it gets that way anybody who doesn't go insane at least once driving this stretch of road either hasn't driven it much or is crazy to begin with or both and really this time the flat is just getting to be too much too damn much.

On the road driving and driving and it's flat and I'm listening to Merzbow listening to the best in japanese noise listening to A Day Of Seals and it's 4 cds long and it's a masterpiece it's transcendental and it's wonderful it's the most amazing thing I've ever heard and it's so long and bludgeoning and delicate in places too it's hypnotizing and all consuming and it's Merzbow Merzbow Merzbow all the way.

And then I'm in Calgary and I'm driving and I find Alex and it's hot and I'm driving and looking at books and the city hasn't changed all that much except the paranoia's gone either that or it's settled in and it's become indistinguishable from the general mood of the place.

And so I wander and walk and drive or rather right now it's Alex driving because I've driven all day and then it's night.

And it's night and I'm sleeping and I'm having  dream where I'm being attacked where a war has broken out and I'm running for my life and I wake up and there's a roaring and whirring and a thupa thupa thupa thupa sound and all these whoooooooooshes.

And there's all this yelling thupa thupa thupa and I get up and I say ALEX and he wakes up and I say what the hell is this crap I thought there was a goddamn sound bylaw in this godforsaken city and he says it's just the police chopper it's been active a lot lately they're always looking for somebody you should feel lucky sometimes the searchlights shine right in the windows.

And it's the next day and there's more driving and wandering and Alex is still looking for a job even though he's editing a book freelance and everything's hot and tense and half the time I feel like I can't breathe.

And I've got my laptop with me I just bought a laptop a few months ago but now I can't find any of those circles on the ground that where here when the G8 was on you know the kind the circles that tell you when a node is open so you can access the internet for free on the street on some big corporation's dime.

And everybody thinks they're either a cowboy or a cowgirl and it's starting to make me sick.

And I went outside and walked around and drove around and I looked at some books and I bought some books and I looked at some cds and I bought some cds and I wanted some food so I bought and ate some food and I looked at some comic books and I bought some comic books and....

And the clouds are low and at night it feels like the air is crushing me and there are helicopters in the distance and even though the trees are green they seem dull green somehow but there's relief in the malls relief from time and heat and the open crushing air in the malls things are regulated and pure and cool and you can sit on nice chairs and couches and sip your smart drink or energy smoothie and watch people walk by and slip into an alpha state because the sound of hundreds of people sounds like water.

And it's hot and I'm wandering pointlessly and all I'm doing is spending money like that'll put some meaning in my life and now I'm at West Edmonton Mall and there are thousands of people here thousands of people and my legs hurt and my back hurls and I'm tired and last night I wrote using my laptop for a while but really when you get right down to it I wrote nothing of importance and right now it's all I can do to focus on the people in front of me beside me and the ones rushing up behind me and then they're gone in a blur and it's hot and I feel sick so very sick and sick and tired but here I am somehow in Edmonton and it's already been what two days three days since I stopped driving and got to Calgary and now I'm in Edmonton and even if I wanted to care about things like politics and horror there are all these people here and it seems like the same people the exact same people here that were here the last time I was here almost this time last year and even if I cared I wouldn't let myself care no I wouldn't let my self care now even if I cared because right now I'm looking at books and buying books and looking at dvds and buying dvds and looking at cds and buying cds.

And then I'm back in the car and I'm driving and it's night and I'm driving back to Calgary and the rain is falling and there's lightning and thunder driving through darkness pitch black darkness punctuated by lightning and thunder.

A long time ago before there were cities and cars when you were out here you were out in the dark like now I'm in the car in the dark but it's not the same because every few minutes there's another car or truck of semitrailer and so it's not really dark I wonder what it'd be like to be in the dark the real dark out in the wilderness but there is no wilderness now even the wilds are built up into wildzones but three hundred years about out there a thousand years ago out there it was dark really and truly dark and walking in this dark looking out into this dark sitting by the fire hoping for daylight and listening to the sounds of nature out here ten thousand years ago before people heard amplified music and had hearing that could hear pins drop but there were no pins nothing the loudest thing these people might've ever heard was like what a shout or roar and thunder in the sky would seem like the loudest thing ever loud angry gods back then not like now it's just a quaint diversion a pretty picture breaking up the monotony giving me something to look at so I don't fall asleep at the wheel.

And then next day more walking and wandering and Alex condescending to me because sometimes I get lost in Calgary like I'm somehow supposed to live my life memorizing maps and like I'm ever here for more than a few days each year at the most and if there's one thing I can't stand is people condescending to me I'm very very very very sick of people condescending to me.

More of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more of the same more....

Night and I'm dreaming and in my dream I'm sitting in a chair in the middle of a grassy plain and I'm looking at the sky and there's a girl beside me I've known for years and I know I love her deeply and she's wearing sunglasses and a sundress and she's drinking lemonade and feel warm and relaxed and when I wake up I have David Bowie's song "Fantastic Voyage" from Lodger in my head and that last line's echoing now where Bowie belts out the I'll never say anything nice again how can I....

Driving down the street someone standing on a streetcorner with a parabolic mic pointing the mic at the sky and someone else standing beside him with some sort of camera on a tripod and they're both wearing orange jumpsuits like extras from a low budget 70s sci fi flick.

In an asian mall buying candies sour candies and sushi and bubble drink that drink with the little tapioca balls that feel kind of like little snotballs but somehow it's so good and tasty and refreshing and gives you something to chew while you drink it taro root slush is my favorite.

Eyes burning brain on fire images on tv flickering in the window of a department store wall of tvs that's such a cliché now either when the images are in synch or all showing something different all such a cliché but then again so's everything.

Everything's a cliché now even saying that everything's a cliché is a cliché and even admitting that saying everything's a cliché's a cliché is a cliché.

Night sleeping waking up kicking I've been running while I dream.

Hot pointless days hot pointless days skyscrapers and helicopters and skyscrapers and helicopters and skyscrapers and helicopters and the areas that were closed up a year ago are all open and it's like the G8 never even happened here which is odd because this is the city that still celebrates the fact that it has an Olympics here what a decade ago maybe more I have no sense of time or history or continuity any more all I do is walk around like a broken robot no matter where I am now and no matter where I am now I always wish I was somewhere else I always I always wish I was someplace else.

And now driving back and there's a semitrailer on the side of the road it's fallen over just tipped like the driver what fell asleep or something it skidded and tipped and it was filled with clothes and the clothes have spilled all over a farmer's field and there are police standing around it looking confused.

Driving stopping listening to Krautrock and noise Keiji Haino and Merzbow and Neu! and Can and getting gas and buying lunch and the sun beats down and the road blurs by and then what do you know I'm home again home again home again save me from myself I'm home again.

Next:  Hanging at Hogwarts....
 

Epilogue 49.
Epilogue 47.
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