30.EPILOGUE.66: November 1, 2003.
"Bob's Soliloquy (II)."
It's genocide
It's genocide
It's genocide
It's genocide
It's coming on
-- Meat Beat Manifesto, "Genocide / God OD."
"Here it comes.
"They think. They
think. They think they can outdo me.
"They think they can better
me.
"They think they're better
than me.
"Let it come down.
"Let it come down on all
their heads.
"I will win.
"I am here. I will
never stop. I will win.
"They think they can beat
me.
"Beat me somehow.
They think they can stomp me down.
"But it's me. I'll
finish first, or if not first I'll finish best.
"Every time I see them they're
a little more wasted.
"They lose every time they
get out of bed.
"Every time I see them they're
a little bit older.
"But so am I.
"But the difference is I
am me, they are they-- them. Themselves. Themselves as a group.
"And they are losing.
They are losing it.
"I am not losing it.
"No, I am not losing it.
"They are the ones.
The ones losing it.
"Losing.
"They look older, more tired.
"Their lives are all stuck
in ruts.
"Everything I do may not
have a purpose, but I am still free.
"Everyone I went to highschool
with is getting older and their lives are failing. Fading.
"They get married and then
divorced.
"They have kids. Their
lives end. Their lives for themselves-- end.
"Let it come down on their
heads.
"And I am married but I
am still me. I am still myself. I have not changed substantially
since I got married. I am still the same person I was then and now.
More or less.
"But the important things
is this:
"I am not tired.
"I am on fire.
"I am filled with energy.
"I am filled with hatred
and rage.
"But hatred and rage, that's
still energy.
"I want to burn down the
world.
"I want to make the stars
scream my name.
"I am not complacent even
though I am lazy.
"I am unfocused and sometimes
sleepy. But I am still filled with energy.
"Life.
"A desire to burn.
"To burn like a sun.
"I am not a family man.
I have not settled down to an early life of complacent early middle age.
"Even though sometimes I
feel as if I'm having a nervous breakdown.
"Breaking down. Shattering.
"Faster and faster.
"But a breakdown still releases
energy.
"A breakdown creates.
"A breakdown vents heat
and frustration.
"A breakdown while possibly--
possibly self-destructive still makes something. Still makes a statement.
"And that's all that--
"True: my life is videogames
and porn.
"True: my life is a meaningless
dead end job.
"True: I probably have not
grown up.
"But why should I?
What's the purpose, the point? The end point: resolution, death.
"And I hate my job.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
"But: I see the people who
have grown up. The people I went to highschool and university with
who have started to 'act their age.' And they are pathetic.
"The girls are all burned
out, used up, haggard and bitter.
"The boys are all wasted,
wrinkled, graying and tired.
"True: I am also graying.
"True: my hair is also receding.
"But: I still have the fire.
"It comes less and less
often because I am less and less willing to let it come but it comes.
It takes me away. And I burn like I did when I was young.
"Why am I less and less
willing to be taken away by the-- the--
"I don't know.
"Maybe I, too am beginning
to 'act my age,' beginning to grow up.
"This must be stopped at
all costs.
"I must not succumb to the
boredom of middle-class adulthood.
"I must not lose the energy
and the fire.
"I must harness it.
Harness it somehow. Maybe something. Do something. Something
to be remembered. Some--
"My fellow students, they
will not be-- not be remembered.
"They have families and
big cars, and big homes, but they will not be remembered.
"They are pathetic.
"They make me angry.
"They are the reason I rage.
"One of the reasons anyway.
"They--
"Of course I'm afraid of
growing old, dying. But I will fight that, screaming. I will
die screaming, cursing the world. Cursing death.
"I won't just buy a car
and a family and live a quiet, dead life. I, I--
"That's the death of the
soul.
"I'm breaking down I feel
like I'm breaking down.
"That's good.
"Breaking down. It's
freeing.
"You're free, when you break
down.
"Free to finally be yourself.
No constraints.
"To infinity and beyond.
"Everyone should break down.
Have a breakdown. That's you coming to the surface. Experience
you. Who you really are. None of these bonds.
"No constraints.
"Just pure unadulterated
you. Me.
"I feel good. Fine.
To infinity and beyond.
"And I don't care-- don't
care-- care if I'm worth anything or not.
"I am the universe.
I feel the universe in everything I do.
"I move my arm and space
buckles.
"The motion of an angle.
My angle. Moving through the void. Angling through the void.
"Looking. Looking
for what? Me. I'm-- me-- I, I--
"Looking for what.
That thing that-- I can't really-- I can't tell what. That.
"There's no--
"No what?
"No way no me no you.
"I'm breaking down.
It's stress.
"It's a fracture.
Fragmentation.
"What I want to do when
I-- what?
"What? What?
What?
"Expects. She expects
what?
"I had expectations.
Sure.
"I can't help but have expectations--
I am the acme.
"When you break down you
start to collapse, sure. Your-- it's you what-- your ego that falls
apart.
"No. You become your
ego.
"Whatever.
"Ego. I. That's
all it means.
"Freud tried to give it
more weight.
"But. He was just
thinking. No proof. Just putting his own obsessions onto a
neutral world.
"People forget this.
"It's a neutral world.
"No meanings. No rules.
The rules that are there are arbitrary.
"There is no logic to the
thought of the ages. To philosophy and science.
"It boils down to it is
because we say it is.
"Why is the speed of light
constant? Well, just because it is.
"No other reason.
"Just because something
is something doesn't mean we know the reasons for its being so.
"Thus, that rule is arbitrary.
"God is as arbitrary and
nonsensical as physics, as math.
"Help me. My head
hurts.
"I feel like I'm splitting.
"Nothing good ever comes
out of not having a breakdown.
"Creation comes from insanity.
Always. Always always always always always.
"No one well adjusted has
ever done anything worthwhile.
"It's the people with problems
who make things that matter.
"The well adjusted simply
stay at home being well adjusted. They're safe, think they're safe.
They just lock themselves into their world and report on safety.
They have no reason to question argue challenge facts and suppositions.
"They are well adjusted,
normal.
"It's only the people whose
minds break down that really change the world.
"The safety of sanitizing
and stability makes bad art, makes bas science. Bad thought.
"The only good thing is
breaking down.
"I am losing. Something.
"What?
"What? Won what?
"The internet.
"I spend my time on the
internet.
"I live for pornography.
"The feeling of flesh.
"Infinity.
"Pornography is infinity.
"The flesh, skin shown still.
Shot through with light. Saved, permanently, digital. Ones
and zeroes.
"It's all there is.
"The infinity of presence
and absence.
"And the blast of light
when I come.
"I need the connection the
Internet brings. Even though it brings disconnection. Disconnection
and connection through pornography, photography, the image and sound in
my brain making the illusions of light come true.
"And anonymity. Truly,
tritely. True anonymity.
"And music. My headphones
on my head. The connections-- because well-- I'm well, I'm not well,
well-- a web of connections between anonymity and music. And pornography.
Better--
"The flash of lightening
when I come. Looking at the image. Pixels. Digital light.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"The internet is sexy.
"Love. Love.
Love.
"More power.
"I am alone.
"Alone in power. Alone
with power.
"I am the new generation.
I was made for this.
"Born for light and data
and loneliness and infinity and love.
"The love of the screen.
"Headphones on, dick in
hand.
"Heather in the other room
asleep or watching me, maybe she watches me.
"I can't connect.
I am free to be myself. Stare at the lights the screen. Be more than
I am.
"Transcend my body through
the pornographic. The point of escape, the point of excess.
"The pornographic body.
"Fear.
"Transgressing all borders.
"Even though transgression
gets boring when all borders are crossed.
"But it takes more than
one crossing to generate boredom.
"Boredom flowing out of
me, into me from the screen.
"The boredom of light and
life and love, logos and fire of infinity and god. That feeling that
shatters my cells-- even though I don't believe in God. Who does,
now? What serious person does, now? And that makes sense, too.
"In a world where all rules
have been uncovered and being arbitrary. When logic only functions
for itself from within its own paradigm. And if there is infinity,
all rules must come into play.
"It has to--
"Law crumbles under infinite
potential.
"Because infinite potential
combined with infinity means that infinite potential will eventually have
to become recognized.
"And if there is no infinite
potential, what use is infinity?
"If there is infinity, which
there seems to be but it's hard to tell because we're finite.
"All the old ways have come
up against a wall.
"This is called a deja vu
experience.
"But pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"Pornography is boring.
"But I can't stop.
I'm bored to death and I can't stop.
"Dick in hand, headphones
on, bored to death, but I can't stop.
"Help me, I feel like I'm
on fire.
"Videogames keep me stable.
"The lights calm me.
"Makes the breakdown concrete.
Concretizes the breakdown. Locks me into my ideas.
"A soft explosion.
"Sometimes I think people
laugh at me.
"And they probably do.
"But, then again.,
Everybody laughs at everybody else.
"This is why any sort of
absolute rule breaks down. Everybody has their absolute beliefs.
"And they laugh at everyone
else.
"And all these absolute
beliefs are all personal.
"But they're all considered
absolute.
"And they go out of their
ways to prove them absolute.
"No matter what.
"No matter what they believe,
or what I believe, what we both believe is absolute. Even if what
we both believe to be absolute contradicts one another.
"We both think different
things. Even people who agree with each other think different things.
Because they are different people.
"And no two people can think
absolutely the exact same things. But they both believe these things
to be absolute.
"No two can think the same
things because no two can have the same experiences. No two can see
the world the same way.
"I feel like I'm burning
up.
"I feel like I'm made of
electricity.
"Electricity power energy
logos, the light, logos the word we get logic from, logic and language
and the word word, living fire. It's just an idea. But as an
idea it proves itself. An idea needs language. Language of
some kind. Some kind of record in the brain. Even if only an
image or a sensation because both images and sensations are still a kind
of language.
"No idea can prove itself.
Proof must come from outside. There is no outside.
"People make a mistake when
they think that language just means words.
"Words are only a kind of
language.
"But, they all think that
I'm a fool when I talk about this, when I think about these things.
"Of course they do.
"Because I only think about
these things when I'm breaking down.
"But you only can think
of these things when you're breaking down. Because thinking about
these things breaks you down.
"Breaking down is what it
is.
"But they think they're
in control.
"But they're not.
"I can--
"But, even though they're
in control, I can look at them and say, Here comes the breakdown.
"I can break them down,
break myself down.
"Help me.
"And even if they try to
think about these things these, these--
"And, and they try not to
break down they have to fein a breakdown.
"So I can look at them and
say, Here comes the breakdown.
"Just like I look at my
self.
"And then look at myself
looking at myself. And on and on into an infinite regressing circle.
"Infinity, space, time,
regression--
"I will--
"And I say, Here comes the
breakdown.
"They think they're in control
of their lives.
"They think they're so fucking
special.
"They think then can laugh
at me, think about me.
"And they-- I'll look
at them and say, here comes the breakdown.
"Their world is crumbling
and they can't even see it. Breakdown--
"Here it comes.
"They think. They
think. They think they can outdo me.
"They think they can better
me.
"They think they're better
than me.
"Let it come down.
"Let it come down on all
their heads...."
30.EPILOGUE.66: November 1, 2003.