30.EPILOGUE.73: December 23, 2003
-- INFINITY.
"*30*."
INTERLUDE ONE: "Sloth Or Entropy."
Days fly by, and yet in each day there is less and less content.
I remember being younger, and having events in my life. I remember
learning. And now I can't remember what happens from one day to the
next. Everything since Monsters Of Grace has been nothing,
has been one long empty day. And so time speeds up and the year passes
by in a blur. But, at the same time as time speeds up, I become slower
and slower, and my life becomes more and more devoid of content.
Will we simply stop when we hit The Year 2000? Freeze into place
while time accelerates to a rate unimaginable? Will we be motionless,
all still, watching tv while every event always happens to others?
But when we look, there will be no others, just images and data.
And the world will accelerate to the speed of light, the speed of data,
the speed of virtuality. And we will be rocks frozen in place, glued
to screens. And every day will seem like yesterday because it will
be yesterday. It'll be the same wars, the same economic crises, the
same classroom shootings, the same rock videos and videogame commercials
over and over. And then, eventually we will fade away like photo
negatives left too long in the sun. Is this what's going to happen?
Or is this just a result of the fear and loneliness I feel at the end of
1999?
--"4'33''"
Things happen. Nothing
happens. Indeed many things do come to pass.
2003 turns into 2004.
And yet....
I have taught and rested
and taught and rested. My English class went as well as could be
expected. The students were only half-interested in anything I ever
had to say. Fair enough.
Days pass. Weeks.
Saddam Hussein is sought,
is caught, and now is awaiting trial.
A scandal involving the
sexual abuse and torture of Iraqi prisoners comes and goes. Becomes
hot stuff and then fades barely remembered.
In Canada, an election.
In the USA, an election is planned.
Days pass. Weeks.
I am not working on *30*.
I am far behind and I struggle to catch up. In early 2004, I manage
to get right up to the penultimate section, and then I stop for reasons
I don't really understand. I stop dead at December 23, 2003.
Holding pattern.
And weather patterns shift
and twitch. Hurricanes start.
And the summer comes and
goes. And the summer is cooler than normal in some areas, hotter
than normal in others.
Meanwhile the Republicans
lie, the Democrats lie, the media lies, Michael Moore lies, George Bush
lies. It's all lies fighting lies, contradictory propagandas all
vying for control of the public mind.
And even Jon Stewart lies.
But that's okay because he admits he lies. And it seems like he's
the only one.
I stare at my computer.
I deliver a paper on anime
and virtual reality and suicide at a conference in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Fort Lauderdale is too hot, too damp. It smells like geckos and pee.
The paper goes over well,
but I make no substantial connections.
I go to Calgary and hang
out with Alex. Same as it ever was.
I go to Vancouver and hang
out with Robin and Becky. Same as it ever was.
I sit in coffee shops and
hotel rooms with my laptop computer.
I do dishes and laundry.
I get up in the morning.
Same as it ever was.
I take French again.
This will be my second attempt.
I eat supper alone.
I eat supper with my parents.
I work on my thesis.
I try to teach myself French.
I spend time with Kim.
I spend time alone.
I shower. I comb my
hair.
I put gas in the car.
I buy books.
I watch tv.
I stare at televisions screens
because no matter where I go there are television screens to stare at.
I pick up the mail.
I urinate, I defecate.
I scratch myself, I wash myself, I repeat myself.
I sit.
I walk around.
I log on. I log off.
The sky doesn't look real.
Clouds look like paintings. The world looks like a digital effect.
This is nothing new.
Same as it ever was.
Driving around the city
with Mom: "This technology it's-- is it a good thing or a bad thing?
I mean-- it-- well it's an evolution, sure-- an evolution but it, but at
what cost I mean-- I don't know, there was this show 'Beam Me Up" I think
that-- I think-- 'Beam Me Up' and I didn't really understand everything
and I don't know if they'll be able to do that to humans but it was about
how they I don't know, like they do in that show, you used to watch it
all the time, Star Trek, they beam you up-- and they did it to something
but I'm not sure what-- or they think they can do it now and I-- and I--
well it's about how they can do it a bit or they're about to do it.
And I remember when back when I started working when, you had to do it
all by hand before there were computers, like we all knew about computers
but they were so big, and, and we just had pens and paper-- and then we
all had calculators-- and now there are computers. Remember that
old typewriter? The one I had back when I was in college? The
one-- you used it in highschool-- I think it's still somewhere, it's probably
worth a lot of money. And then there were electric typewriters and
then word processors and now there are computers and-- remember when you
were just little and you wanted a computer and they were so expensive and
then there was that thing, that calculator thing that John next door had
and you came home and you wanted it so bad and it as, like-- it was a thousand
dollars and all it was was a little calculator thing but it was a little
computer and you wanted one so bad, and there was no way we were going
to get you one of those not for a thousand dollars and it barely does anything
and now you can get better watches and cell phones that do more than that
overpriced calculator, and then they got that computer next door and you
wanted that? And we said wait until they're better because I knew
they'd be better because at work I was already seeing it happen, and now
the computers you have are so much more advanced and it's only been a few
years really, it's faster than-- I-- than-- I-- well it, like when Jim
and I were first going out and he had that car and there were so few cars
on the street and now there are thousands-- but that still took years compared
to computers and-- I mean, it's all moving so fast and I suppose you can
adapt but how's anyone going to afford all the-- the changes-- I mean there
were tapes and well there were records first and those went on for years
and then there were 8-tracks and then tapes and then cds and now they have
those things, mp3s you don't even-- you just get them on the Internet and
they're not even real-- I mean when Jim went to get our new tv he could've
got this digital thing that somehow recorded shows onto disks or kept them
on a hard drive or something and it has this big remote, I mean we don't
need that what do we-- we want to save The Weather Channel for or Poirot
or Murder? We've seen them all a million times already but
there were new Murders the other day I think, I didn't think they
were making new Murder She Wrotes but there are so many of those
now, I don't know we could've missed a bunch and now we're just seeing
them-- but anyway-- yeah-- where was-- yeah, it's speeding up so fast,
so much is happening now and it's kind of scary I mean all the technology
and then all the violence too I think it was-- there, there were more jobs
in the old days before computers, before when we were doing it all by hand
and it was hard work but everyone was happier I think, and then computers
came in and they could do the work of three people, and then ten people,
and back then everybody had jobs and, I think, everybody was happier and
there was less violence, and you could walk anywhere in the city alone
at night, it didn't matter where you were, I used to walk home all the
time and didn't worry about a thing back then and now you don't even want
to go to the store after dark sometimes there're so many weirdoes around.
And it's the lack of work that I think sometimes makes people crazy like
they have to do something to feed their families you have to do something
with your time you have to do something you need to have something
to do, and -- but they don't and they get frustrated and it's partly, not
totally, but I think at least partly, the fault of computers and technology,
they make people become useless and then they feel useless-- and then they
get depressed and turn to drinking and drugs and violence. But it's
still kind of a good thing-- this technology I mean it's what we've been
doing for so long since the dawn of history, we've been making technology,
I mean look at the pyramids and they even found, I was reading, they even
found what look like really early computers made out of gears and something
that could have been batteries or something to make, what is it, electroplating
for their statues to make things look like gold. But it looked like
it was going to slow down there a bit, a while ago, a few years ago.
It was moving so fast and then it stopped. But now it's started up
again, it's evolving and I guess we're evolving and that part of it is
exciting. I think."
I live on the Internet.
At the University.
Days, weeks, months, seasons.
I stand still and the world
moves faster and faster, flickering past me.
Reading, writing, spinning
in place.
Playing Ratchet &
Clank until my eyes dry out.
Nights spent listening to
Death Metal and Arvo Pärt.
30.EPILOGUE.73: December 23, 2003
-- INFINITY.